I Will Write What I Want

I will write what I want.
I will not write what you tell me to write.
I will not stop writing what you dislike.
I will not write what I dislike just because you like it.
I write a lot.
I update constantly.
If I'm not updating your favorite story, just wait.
I write variety, depending on how I feel that day.
I will not focus on a story unless my mind is prepared for it.
If I haven't updated in a month, my mind is obviously not prepared for it.

I do not use other people's Original Characters.
I will not cross-over into your ongoing story simply to promote you.
I will only promote a story that inspired that particular chapter/scene.
If you are pestering me to promote you, chances are you probably don't inspire me.
I will not randomly "squeeze in" your favorite shipping just because you want to see it.
I will not "just update something."
I will update when the chapter is done and proofread.

I go through phases.
You may not like my current phase.
Don't hate me if I'm having fun in one of my random phases.
Killing my "groove" will not get you what you want.
Writing in every single review, "The story was good but it'd be great if XX and YY got together" when XX and YY are not anywhere in the story, will not get you what you want.
I like hearing suggestions, they can inspire me, but don't get enraged if I don't take your suggestion. It was nice of you to write it, but that doesn't always mean I can work the idea into what I have planned.
Yes, my stories are usually planned out, in detail.
If I'm writing about something, obviously I like it, and telling me "that couple sucks," or "I hate stories like this" will not inspire me to write in new directions. It will make me frustrated, and all creativity, including what you hate and what you potentially like, will die. It will not give birth to what you like. Creativity is not a frigging phoenix.

I like to see requests, but one at a time, please! Sending me 10 story ideas every day will not make me write more of what you want. I hate to think you spent all that time writing your ideas down when I could have told you up front "I don't have time."
If I say "I don't have time," don't send me more story ideas "but they're one-shots!" I...don't...have...time.
I am not looking for another collaborator. I only use one, because she's that good.
I will answer questions on how to write. I will not give you the whole story. Unless it's a gift. Don't demand gifts.
If I tell you I'm busy, I'm busy. Sending me your full manuscript with the note "read it when you have time," and then crying because 3 days have passed and I haven't read it, will not make me read it. I'm busy.

If I haven't PM'ed you back, you are in the queue. I chat a lot...I mean A LOT! I have 10-50 PMs at any given time. There are days when I'll write to 20 people, and there are days when I don't feel social. I am also out of town frequently with music bands. I don't hate you. I'm too busy writing stories to write PMs all the time. Sometimes you catch me and I write directly back, sometimes I get bogged down and you might wait 2 weeks. That's just the way it is. Keep getting angry and whining "you're ignoring me again" like a clingy girlfriend (even if in jest) and I might purposely put off your PMs, because I simply don't have the patience to talk to you.

I get writer's block.
I burn out.
I am SERIOUSLY burning out on fanfiction in general.
If I have written "This story is on hiatus" then it's on frigging HIATUS.
If I'm not updating the story you particularly like... tough luck. At least it's not on hiatus.
Writing to me weekly "when will you update" will not speed me up.
Telling me to stop working on my current obsession because you want this other story, will not speed me up.
Leaving reviews under different names but saying the same "Y U No Update" message every time, will not speed me up.

I do not take vague requests of "Can you write about this couple," especially if I have 10 stories on that couple.
I do not accept all story requests. They need to interest me personally, and that's pretty random. Even if I accept a request, realize that I'm working on about 12 stories at any given time, with 50 in the queue. Some people have waited a year or more.
Don't ask me every day "What about that request I sent you?" It's in the queue, with 50 other stories.
Especially don't ask when I said I don't have time to write requests until autumn.
Don't keep asking "Are you free now? Aren't you on summer break?" No. I'm an adult. We don't get summer break.

Nagging me does not make me faster.
Calling me names does not spur me on.
Threats never work.
If any of these fit you, I don't hate you. You are not the only one. These are issues that have come up multiple times, so it's not like I'm singling you out.

I will write what I want, when I want, at the pace I can mentally handle.
I love to write. I love to chat. I love to help young writers. But please...I'm just one person!

Thanks.

30 is the new 15

I've heard people reassure my eldest sister, "Being 40 isn't too bad. 40 is the new 30, after all." It made me wonder. I'm in that state of being a "thirtysomething" so...what am I? I was hanging out with some friends over Christmas, and it was noted that we were being loud, drinking a lot, not really acting like adults (crude conversations as only people who are married can even discuss), and basically we were being a rowdy group of perverts. Someone jokingly said, "Meh, don't worry about it, 30 is the new 20 so we can act like idiot college students."

Being 30... I suppose there were a lot of things I thought would happen by now that haven't come to pass: a lucrative career, a few novels published, a house of my own, a family. Some of my friends have all that, and I'm a bit jealous. Maybe it won't happen until I'm 40, since "40 is the new 30."

However, I'm finding myself in an awkward phase. I feel trapped between one stage in life and another.

I began to notice this metamorphical transition when I began to write fanfiction. Such a hobby is seen as the budding writing attempts of teenagers, focusing on love affairs that never happened in the actual story, or feeling out their own strengths and weaknesses. In other words, 90% of all fanfiction is poorly written verbage-garbage written by hormonal adult-children. They're trying, though, and it's a medium for editorial help that didn't exist when I was a teenager. Then there's me. I usually keep my age a secret, although I did finally state on my profile that I'm "over 25." That alone makes me old. My readers are the same age as some of my friend's children. Still, I try to teach through writing, I "beta read" (AKA, edit manuscripts) for a select few who I deem as having true potential. I could not tell you how many people have written fan letters to me saying that my style of writing has inspired them to write also. I am called "sensei" and "taicho," Japanese for teacher and captain. I'm a mentor on that site. One reader who discovered my age called me "the old lady of fanfiction."

Then, on Tuesday nights, I pick up my trombone and play with the local symphonic band. Amongst my peers in the trombone section, I'm the only female and the only one without gray hair...besides a half dozen rogue strands. So since all the other trombonists are between the ages of 55-70, I'm "the little girl" of the trombone section. They respect me, but I felt like I had to earn that respect. I'm a child in their eyes, a youngster. One of the trombonists in the group avoided me with a sense of awkwardness until he found out I majored in music, studied music theory in college, and was a section leader (and later instructor) for my youth band. That apparently impressed him, showed him I'm mature and know what the hell I'm doing, and now he's talking to me like an equal. But again, I'm "the little girl" who has to struggle to gain the respect of the "older adults." I've always had the pressure of being female in a male-dominated instrumental section, but now I have pressure for being so young.

So I'm "the old lady" but also "the little girl." I'm trapped between two phases in my life, that of being a vibrant adult in my prime, yet not quite considered elderly and experienced. My in-laws still refer to me and my husband as "the kids." I had a neighbor's son see me coming up the street and shout "Run, it's a grownup!" (That was awkward.) People call me "ma'am." People call me "young miss." Because my hair refuses to turn gray, my former school friends see me and exclaim "You haven't aged a day," yet I'm no longer carded when I buy alcohol because I look old enough (21 in this country). I'm fully entrenched as an adult, but I'm still seen as a young person. That's...good, I guess. But it's becoming awkward.

30 isn't the new 20.
30 is the new 15.

Fifteen years old: that awkward stage of not being a child but not being an adult, when your body is changing, puberty sneaks up on you, zits plague your skin, hormones are raring, independence becomes a struggle as you battle parents and teachers, stupid choices are made (drugs, drinking, weird hair colors), and we desire with all our heart to "belong," no matter which clique we pick to hang out with.

Thirty years old: that awkward stage of not being recklessly young but not being satisfied with the settled adult life, when your body is changing, gray sneaks into your hair, wrinkles threaten to crease your skin, hormones are beginning to wane, freedom becomes a struggle as you battle bosses and the tether of having children to lug around, stupid choices are made (sleeping pills, drinking, mid-life crisis), and we desire with all our heart to "return" to youth, no matter if that means we sound like old fogies talking about "the good old days."

Yes, 40 may be the new 30, but 30 is the new 15.

The End of 2011

Okay, so I'm sitting here in the last days of 2011 thinking back over the year, trying to remember good times, bad times, and what was memorable.

That... is a problem. I really can't remember anything memorable.

I mean, we took a vacation to see family in California this past Thanksgiving, and that is most definitely noteworthy, considering we hadn't been back in four years. But what happened otherwise?

Every time I think of something, it dawns on me that, nope, that was LAST year. "Oh, my parents came to visit for 3 weeks." Nope last winter they did, but they left before New Year. "Oh! My best friend visited." Nope, last year too. My in-laws took a trip up this summer, and that was nice, but they often do that.

* What did I do for Valentine's Day? No clue.
* What about Spring Break? Honestly can't recall.
* Hubby got a real good job, which is awesome beyond belief after the crap he's been through.
* This summer, the in-laws visited, went to the coast for a day, saw some museums... otherwise, I didn't do much.
* What did I do for my birthday? Well, we saw Phantom of the Opera and that was awesome.
* We had that flood upstairs that drenched us downstairs... guh, not something to be remembered.
* My hubby finally got the electric guitar he was obsessing over for months.
* We missed Talk Like A Pirate Day.
* We sort of ignored Halloween.
* I never got to go to a write-in for NaNoWriMo.
* Then I had an abscessed tooth that laid me up for many weeks with a fever and swollen face before I finally found a dentist who would pull it.
* The 8 days in California were awesome, at least.

* My hubby didn't really want to do anything for his birthday and just wanted Pizza Hut.
* Christmas was pretty quiet, just dinner with the uncle.
* New Year's Eve looks like it'll be quiet too.

The thing that will stand out about 2011 is my plunge into fan fiction. I tested the waters out last year, but this past summer was when I discovered the manga Fairy Tail and got sucked in. I'm now making a bit of a name for myself (or at least "Rhov" is) writing for the Fairy Tail community. "Lion's Pride" is my own little source of pride. I've been meeting other aspiring writers, and although I think the average age is 17, it's still nice to chat with new people. I feel like an elderly sage giving them advice. Maybe it's a short-lived obsession, but I will likely keep writing fanfics for Fairy Tail in 2012, at least finishing up the stories I've started.

Otherwise, I did very little writing, no noteworthy photography, I'm playing percussion instead of my darling trombone until I get the rest of my dental work done, didn't go sailing, didn't get to walk along the beach despite being in Astoria this summer and being in California only minutes from the beach! I missed the Perseid meteor shower for maybe the first time ever, I didn't get to pick blackberries, I did almost nothing for NaNoWriMo... sort of a let-down of a year.

Except in fan fiction... which is sort of an ephemeral fame, people adore your writing but forget about it the next day as they read the avalanche of verbose tripe that overwhelms that site every hour.

Now 2012 is looming like that shadow you feel before you see anything. There are, of course, dooming theories about this upcoming year. We had enough "end of the world" prophecies this year. Nothing happened. People thought the "Occupy" movement would rock the foundations of society. Nothing happened. So maybe we're getting jaded. Even if we knew for certain the day and hour Armageddon was coming, half the population would still say, "Well, if it comes, it comes, I ain't waiting for it to end." Maybe the Mayans knew something, maybe they just ran out of room and the Mayan calender is the Y2K of the ancient world.

In any case, I'll keep writing, I'll keep trying to get published, I'll complete that fanfic I've started, I'll keep hoping I can one day finish Shadowstrider, and I'll continue to be a loving wife, a good child, a musician, a writer, a sailor, and a geek girl... all for the price of one!

I ain't waiting for it to end.