Lair of Fair Hair

56 inches.

No, that's not how tall I am. That's how long my hair is.

My hair is not "long" (defined as a few inches past the shoulders) nor "very long" (defined as below the waist), but it is considered "extremely long," i.e. it is to my knees, maybe a little past that. My last serious haircut (because everyone asks) was the summer of 1995. Since then, it has only been trims whenever I feel the split ends have taken over my head.

Let's get this straight: kids may call me Rapunzel in the supermarket, but I do not have magical hair. It tangles, it splits, it tends to frizz, especially at the beach. I sit on it. I've stepped on it and did a not-so-graceful tumble. I've closed it in the car door (but not an elevator door yet; I get asked that too). It catches on doorknobs or in the door itself and yanks me backwards after I'm already two steps away, and yes, I've fallen on my keister because of that. Kids sneak up behind me and pull it, then run away giggling. My kitty has attached himself to my bum in his attempt to attack it. I once leaned over while vacuuming, had a bunch to fall and get sucked into the canister area, and instantly lost eight inches. Surprisingly, it did not pull at my scalp. It simply ripped.

Basic facts: my hair is brown. I was born blonde, went red when I was 9, and from there it's been getting darker.

History of Hair: It was the 80s. Yes, I did the perm thing. Yes, it looked hideous. That is why you will never see pictures of me from between the years 1987 and 1991. Trust me, it was bad. A few times, I used "Sun In" to lighten my hair, especially when I was transforming into a redhead. I wanted to be blonde again. It seriously killed the hair of both me and my little sister. Nasty stuff!

The only time I dyed my hair was 1997, my senior year of high school. My hair was going red again, so I wanted to try something darker. It was my mother's suggestion to go with "blue-black" hair. Hey, if Mom gives you permission, you go for it! That's all been cut out by now. My hair is "virgin hair," not treated, a nonsmoking environment (except when my upstairs neighbor throws his cigarettes into our planter), no dyed parts left, not permed or anything, I can't stand blow dryers, blah blah.

Why all this about my hair? I'm bored, sue me!

Actually, I had an intriguing interview regarding my hair recently, what inspired me to grow it, what I do with it, how I care for it, and a bunch of such questions, some which I'm asked every frickin' day.

And yes, I am sick of it, so why start your question with "I know you're probably sick of being asked this, but..." Other questions in the interview made me ponder why no one asks more intriguing questions besides "how long does it take to dry." Mein Gott! I am asked that constantly! It's to the point where someone says "Wow, you have lovely hair," and I reply with a snappy, "Three hours! Okay? It takes three hours to dry. No blow dryer. If I braid it wet, it won't dry. Ever! Otherwise, 3 hours!!!"

Honestly, I don't think about "hair care" too often. Lathe, wash, rinse, repeat, you know the drill. But I did some homework after that interview to see if I'm using something that will kill my hair in 20 years. Maybe because I had a time in middle school where my hair was falling out so bad, I actually developed a shiny bald spot the size of a silver dollar, so I'm a tad concerned if something is going to destroy my hair like that. Back then, the solution was simple: use baby shampoo and something that looked like bug tar. Yuck! Nowadays, I got into the habit of buying whatever is at the Dollar Tree. It's cheap, but who cares, right?

Turns out Dollar Tree stuff ain't half bad! White Rain conditioners are "cone free;" they do not use silicone which "glues" your split ends together only to destroy your entire hair shaft in the long run. I also buy VO5 Naturals, which is on the "good" list.

Bad news: the White Rain Naturals Lavender Vanilla Shampoo I use apparently sucks in too many ways to list. For one, it has Ammonium Lauryl Sulfate (not the dreaded carcinogenic Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, but possibly just as bad, it's on the "no-no" ingredients list) plus likely half a dozen other irritant chemicals that I didn't bother to research after seeing that one. That might explain why I sometimes break out in a short-lived rash after showering. It also leaves my hair a bit dry if I wash it too frequently (once or twice a week is usually all I do). Well, it's cheap and it gets my hair clean, but maybe I'll splurge just a little.

One website suggested Kenra Moisturizing Shampoo. That runs $10-18/10oz bottle, depending on where you get it. Another was Monoi Shampoo, which has the "gentler" Sodium Laureth Sulfate (as opposed to "lauryl"). Price: $7-9/7.8oz bottle. Last suggestion I saw was the sulfate-free Back to Basics Blue Lavender Color Protecting Shampoo. At $10/11.5oz bottle, with the 33oz bottle going for $18. That might be my best deal... and it's my favorite LAVENDER!!!

Who am I kidding! I'll still buy from Dollar Tree.

Hair care:

1) rosewood boar bristle brush for daily use;
2) a plastic "worst thing in the world for your hair" brush if I need my hair quickly spot brushed and I don't have to worry about snagging;
3) a very long handled comb, meant for people with arthritis but it's awesome for brushing all the way down to the tip of my hair;
4) a jumbo hair claw, it holds my hair a little too tight, and plastic is rough-edged, but it's durable enough not to "slip" and big enough to hold all of my hair up in a bun;
5) a mega-size metal barrette of a butterfly. I get so many compliments about it, and it's the only clamp of its size on the planet known to actually fit ALL my thick hair at the nape of my neck, but only if it's dry and not twisted in a design;
6) my wrapped no-damage hair holders and variety of scrunchies;
7) a few small rhinestone barrettes if I want to get gussied up;
8) and my new favorite: handmade wooden hair sticks by the wonderful "Style Stix by Jayne" in the Portland Saturday Market. Big plug for her, since she is virtually unknown yet so awesomely affordable. The sticks were a birthday gift from my mother-in-law, custom ordered EXTRA long because Jayne's usual sticks would not go through all my hair. She was so nice to make these custom to my hair thickness, including a handmade cloth carrying case in iridescent black.

Yep, that's about it. Oh, and itty bitty tangle-free elastic bands that I only use if I'm doing tiny braids. Yeah... I told you, I'm not big on "hair care" or fancy hair products. What I have usually works, so that's what I have. Why do I need more? Not that I wouldn't mind some pretties for my hair, but I'm not big on that stuff.

So the interview I mentioned earlier had a bunch of other questions.

Who inspired you to grow your hair? A bad haircut did, combined with a teacher who "complimented" me that I was such an average, unassuming person, with average height, average weight, average hair, etc. That's not what you tell a 16-year-old trying to discover some individuality. So since I couldn't change the rest of me without getting plump or stretching on Wonka's taffy puller, I opted for "different" hair.

How do you wear your hair to bed? Depends on how tired I am. Sometimes it's loose, sometimes it's in a braid, both bug me in different ways. Loose and my husband rolls on top of it, braided and it hurts my neck. My little splurge was getting satin pillow cases to stop morning tangles. [Edit] In response to the commenter below, sleeping with a ponytail is actually really bad for your hair. It can cause horrible knots and breaks.

How long do you want to grow your hair? It's at my knees. That's good for now. I'll keep it there until that 8 inches that I lost in the vacuum cleaner catches up. After that, I'm curious how long it will get.

Do people compliment you or ridicule you? Both. I get stopped every time I go out with my hair down, so if I'm in a rush, it pays to spend a little time to twist it into a fast bun and use my plastic claw from hell. Once in a blue moon, I get the meth freak screaming at me that I'm Jezebel and I'm denying cancer children their wigs. Okay meth lady, try actually reading Locks of Love's website. They don't give to cancer kids. They give to children who will NEVER grow back their hair. Other NPOs do (Pantene for one). If I like my hair long, that's my choice, just like it was your choice to buy that crystal meth this morning. The difference is, it's not a crime to have long hair, so get over it and put down the knife.

Only once has anyone actually pulled a knife out and threatened to chop my hair, and that was my uncle... and no, he wasn't joking about doing it. I have a weird family.

There were other interesting questions that I'm too tired to recall, or the answers would be too long.

Instead, here's some interesting sites about living (and surviving) with long hair.


http://longhair.org/ - long hair club... join the club
http://www.rapunzelsdelight.com/ - pictures of insanely long hair and the designs you can make with it (I am determined to master the "sock bun")
http://www.longhaircommunity.com/ - everything to know about caring for your hair
http://the-light.com/mens/longhair.html - long hair for the laddies
http://www.savvyskin.com/shampoo-ingredients-to-avoid - watch what you buy
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/forums/showthread.php?t=196051 - good cone-free conditioners (this sort of started my whole hair binge research thing)
http://www.tenderheaded.com/ - the combs here come highly recommended, I'll likely buy one soon
http://www.longlocks.com/ - great hair sticks... wish I could afford some of these
http://www.ficcare.com/ - fancy hair clamps, wish I could afford these too
http://beyondclassic.awardspace.us/choose.html - blog on hair, including commended products, an insane collection of hair goodies, and videos on designs good for knee-length hair. I still can't do a french twist with my hair, but she does.

Pantene Beautiful Lengths - If you are growing out your hair for donation, DO NOT use Locks of Love unless you are a child. They do not use adult hair at all, but sell it to other wig makers to cover administrative costs, or they simply toss it out if it has gray or damaged from color and heat treatments.

Do you want to know that those five years of diligent care and growth were used to pay some manager's Christmas bonus, or even THROWN OUT LIKE TRASH? They also charge the patient's family for the wigs. It's a sliding scale discount, but a good friend who's family dealt with Locks of Love said it still cost them hundreds of dollars just for one wig. Plus they don't give to cancer patients, nor do they claim to do so. Folks saw commercials of bald kids and assumed that they were chemo patients. Lock of Love never openly corrected the error, which I find despicable.

Okay, correction: they give wigs to a single form of cancer where basically chemo can never be stopped, therefore the child will never grow hair. That's the only one.

Yes, they do give to children with medical needs, but I would say 90% of the people donating to Locks of Love are doing so with the intent of helping cancer kids. I have met dozens of people who come up admiring my hair with stories of how they miss their long locks, but "It's all good, I donated them to Locks of Love after I lost my mother/sister/best friend/child to cancer. It'll go to a cancer kid." I cringe in pity, and I rarely tell them the truth because they look so happy about their good deed.

If you want your hair to go to ACTUAL CANCER PATIENTS, please consider using Pantene Beautiful Lengths.

Masochistic Reading

When I'm feeling down and think I suck as a writer, I read some of the tripe on fanfiction.net and realize "at least I'm not like them."

For their credit, some of the short stories are amusing. Some are epic! Some would make amazing stories if only the writer had invented original characters instead of borrowing others (of course, then it wouldn't be "fan fiction"). And some really do get published. Have you seen how many shelves of Star Trek paperbacks are in Barnes and Noble?

Writing as a way to obsess over your favorite story can be a healthy way to experiment with styles without the pressure of deadlines. I've written fan fiction for Star Trek and Quantum Leap, usually as collaborations with my husband. It's not publish-quality, but it was fun.

Today was not a day to marvel at talented storytelling, but to convince myself "at least I'm not that bad." And I found my salvation. I will give the "writer" - and I use the term lightly - the grace of not linking to her story or mentioning her name. She is, sadly, one of many who post sordid excuses of fiction onto the internet every day. Her short story was so bad, I had to write about it so I would not obsess over it all day and let it ruin my own writing time.

Now, for truly wretched scrawling, no one can't get any worse than Tara Gilesbie's classic "My Immortal." Simply google "worst fanfiction" and you'll find it. It was deemed so bad that fanfiction.net, home of so much crap it makes dung beetles have aneurysms, finally pulled the story down from their server. Yet its utterly horrendous legacy lives on.
http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/

[Warning: reading one paragraph will lower your IQ by ten points. You automatically forfeit your high school diploma and all university degrees if you finish all 40 chapters (and her definition of a "chapter" is one paragraph and a dozen lines of dialog). I once managed to read up to seven of those putrescent chapters before I got a huge headache and had to read some Dostoevsky to assure myself I was not in Purgatory. You have been warned.]

The story I read was not that bad. Still, it was quite awful. It was painfully apparent that this writer was maybe 13 with no understanding of even basic social skills. She must have received "inspiration" in what constitutes literature via text messaging her fellow 8th graders and by reading the aforementioned "My Immortal." She had a minimal grasp of the English language (I hope she was from another country... I really, really hope), and no sense of grammar at all, let alone spelling. I mean, seriously, spell-check exists even in this Note I'm writing. Use it!

It was also obvious that the writer used a thesaurus to sound intelligent while picking totally wrong words for the situation. "But dey is the loooongest words I find, so dey make me look more smart, so I dont care wat u says." I use thesauruses all the time when I just can't recall the word I need, but I at least have an idea of what I'm trying to say. Using unknown "heavy" words will likely make you sound less educated than keeping to one-to-two syllables.

To get your ideas across use small words, big ideas, and short sentences.
- John Henry Patterson

Let's not forget one of my favorite pet peeves: using twenty exclamation points does not mean the character screamed twenty times louder than a single exclamation point. Use up to three in emails and IM'ing if you think pounding Shift-1 helps to relieve stress, or use caps for shouting emphasis, but not in a story meant to be taken seriously.

Also, people do not literally say "LOL." They laugh. So type "She cackled viciously as she insulted him," and we all know what you mean, not "LOL... u is soooo stoopid." Honestly!

Language aside, the writer included a "flashback" repeating two lines of dialog that just occurred. I'm assuming she imagined that would be the commercial break, although it was in no way a climax or cliffhanger, nor a place where the studio would logically cut to show the writer's favorite Lucky Charms commercial.

One character wore a purple bikini, then suddenly had on a blue dress, then it was red in the next sentence, then she magically switched to tan pants. The male character also had polychromatic superpowers, as his eyes changed color too many times to decide which shade she intended.

Now, I've written stories where I accidentally changed a character's eyes from green to blue simply because I did not make a character profile, but this is "fan fiction." These are established characters. This particular story was about an anime, so it's drawn in color for the fan to observe and describe. Despite many magical things that happen in Japanese animation, this character does not have color-shifting eyes. They are blue. Not green, not brown, not purple, not golden. Blue.

My favorite lines:
1) Nothing pounds home a person's intent like emphasis, right? "She looked deeply into his deep green eyes that is as deep as the sea and so deeply intense it was like looking deep into a human soul's deepest heart." Now that's deep!
2) Just as confusing: "She blushed a deeper dimness of scarlet red." Dimness?
3) But nothing quite proves one is a talented writer as inventing unique ways of describing simple actions. "She vomited tears like crocodiles." That's certainly a revoltingly visual if I've ever read one.

The torment of reading this short fan fiction in no way inspired me out of my writer's block, but it did cheer me up. I now realize I am at least a fluent and well-trained writer. I can read the classics without resorting the Cliff Notes. I have assisted many other aspiring writers, using my grammar-nazi'ing obsession for good.

And I don't vomit tears!

Busy Week

Well, I'm off to play a concert at Bridgeport Village tonight at 6pm. If you're in the Portland area, come on down and help stimulate the economy.

After the concert is over, Matt and I are scurrying over to Stub Stewart State Park for Field Day 2009. If you happen to be into amateur radio, listen in and try to find "W7OTV" out of the pure chaos as people around the world test out how to keep the lines of communication open during a state of emergency (solar power and generators, for our group). We like to take the night shift (except for the generator noise). So from 9pm to 11am, we'll be calling out "CQCQ" and talking to people around the world. I love bringing my camera and taking pictures right at sunrise, since the park is so amazingly picturesque. The radio operators are also funny to photograph at 5am.

Which means tomorrow we crash and sleep all day. I like that plan!

Monday is a special day. I'm fixing dinner for a lady in my band name Kristine who gave birth to a baby who will not survive long. In fact, she wasn't supposed to make it to birth, but by a pure miracle little Leah Grace has lived three months.

Please read her story here, but have the tissues ready:
http://www.tigardtimes.com/news/story.php?story_id=124408039674470200

It's a joy and agony to Kristine and her husband, holding their child and never knowing when her time will be up. Her church and our band joined forces to fix dinners and pitch in donations for house-cleaners to help the family. We have no money, but I sure can cook! I'm going to make my special parmesan-chicken-ranch-basil-pasta-casserole thing (I have not come up with a name for it yet). Matt has fallen in love with it, and it is super simple, so I can make enough for them and us.

Tuesday is band practice. I had a cold sore last week and couldn't play, so I'm looking forward to this week.

Then Thursday, July 2, is our "dating anniversary," eleven years as a couple. I have no idea what we're going to do, since money is tight. Olive Garden is our traditional dinner. yummmmmmm!

Then comes the Fourth of July. We have a parade in the morning, then we're playing for the Tigard Fireworks Show, the biggest fireworks display in the western suburbs. It always draws a massive crowd. Lots of Sousa and patriotic music for that day. And we get to watch the fireworks, so it's all good!!!

So, that's going to be my week, minus all the joyful surprises that pop up. Looks like this summer will be eventful.

History Repeats

My husband and I were discussing politics, mostly him complaining about the turn toward socialism our country is taking. He wryly asked "What happened when Rome fell?"

Never ask a history buff a question like that!

That led me to a huge research bonanza on the collapse of the Roman Empire. Of course, the theories as to what triggered the fall are varied, as there can be no single source for something so massive. Plague, drought, economics, wars, religion, all play some role in the massive stage of this tragedy.

Instead of boring you with my research, let me point out one issue that piqued my interest.

Most historians agree that the beginning of the end began in 234 CE, with the "Crisis of the Third Century," a time of economic meltdown that makes the Great Depression look like a bounced check. It led to a shift in military and civilian life, which led to political anarchy.

A quick summary: the Sassanids of Persia threatened the eastern edge of the Roman Empire. Rome sent 20-25% of its military to the Middle East to deal with it. To accomplish this, they expanded the military by 1/4. Roman citizens did not want to fight a war far from home, so Rome was forced to recruit from the Germanic tribes to the north. In order to pay these new soldiers, they changed their coinage. Instead of pure silver, coins were made with cheap fillers. This caused a hyperinflation. Money became worthless. Trade was carried out in bartering. The imperial network of trade and economy collapsed, since they could not purchase items with their worthless coins. This led to a shift in policy, as Rome became most socialistic. People were ordered where to work, no choice. To force them to remain, workers were organized and forced into guilds, while businesses were grouped into what was called collegia. Laws forbade citizens from moving out of cities into the country to find work. Farmers were also tied to the land. Taxation became so inflated, people fled this life, regardless of the laws, and came to rich landowners seeking refuge, becoming a half-free class of citizen of coloni, what we call today "serfs." This directly led into the de-evolution from the world of Antiquity to Medieval feudalism.

Got all that? I know, it's a lot to digest. Cliff Notes: Rome fights Persians with Germanic soldiers, taxes the hell out of citizens, pumps their money into "foreign investments" (aka mercenaries), and collapses the economy in the process.

Meanwhile, the Persians took over the area around the Black Sea, pushing the Huns out. The Huns invaded northern Europe, pushing the newly-enriched German tribes southward, leading to many conflicts between these Visigoths and the Roman Empire, which led to the Sack of Rome in 410.

So... Rome responds to a threat from the Middle East, focuses a vast majority of its military there. Persia pushes on the Huns, who push on Europe. Meanwhile, Rome has given the Germanic tribes money and weapons. Once the wars cause Rome's infrastructure to teeter (leading to a spike in taxes, a turn toward socialism, and resulting in anarchy), the Visigoths use those weapons against the ones who provided them and strike from the north while Roman troops are focused in the Middle East.

Hmmmm!!!

America responds to terrorist threats in the Middle East, focusing many of our soldiers there. The Middle East pushes against India. India increases its military, which then makes Korea feel threatened. Meanwhile, America gave Korea a nuclear reactor back in the 70s, which recently led to Korea stating it is going to start building nukes. One missile they launched hit Alaska. (Anyone remember that? I bet Sarah Palin does!) Once the "war on terror" causes America's infrastructure to teeter (leading to a spike in taxes, a turn toward socialism, and likely resulting in anarchy), Korea strikes us from the north while American troops are focused on the Middle East.

OMGZ, it's the Sake of Rome all over again, but with NUKES!!! Run to your bomb shelters!!! WAAAAH!

Okay, comedy aside, I do believe history will forever repeat itself, and if we don't watch out, we're going to see something bad happen to this country. Maybe not immediately. From the Crisis of the Third Century to the Sake of Rome, almost 180 years passed. But events happened slowly back then. One could say our critical error was giving nuclear power to Korea, and that was Carter's administration. 30 years later...

I told all this to my husband. He says I should put in an application to be Obama's Historical Adviser. I wouldn't be good at that, for the same reason I'd make a horrible teacher. I'm prone to whack information into someone... literally.

Can I get an avatar of Obama being whacked over the head with a history book? :D

Indiginous People Around the World

As some of you know, I've been intrigued with Native American culture since hearing that my ancestor was George Guess, aka Sequoyah, claimed to be the inventor of the Cherokee writing system, and yes, the redwood was named after him. This dubious ancestry has since been proven false.

"Sequoyah," really a portrait of Thomas Maw. Sequoyah was branded on
the forehead and had his ears cut off by White Men.

By the way, the story you may have heard in elementary school of Sequoyah is totally made up by White Men. Please read the true and gruesomely tragic real story of Sogwili, also known as Tahlontisoge, Sequoyah, George Guess, and other names. It is a good view into how White Men made up stories to cover up their barbaric deeds.

http://www.ani-kutani.com/nativeamericanfacts/tahlontisoge.htm

I do have Cherokee ancestry on my mother's side, which I uncovered in my genealogical research. My great-grandmother was Cherokee and had possession of Native lands in Oklahoma. At least, that was HER story, as told by my grandfather. Other members of her family stodgily deny any Cherokee heritage and insist she was descended from a famous British captain. Considering many people during that time period tried to hide any indigenous roots, I doubt Great-grandma Sada was lying.

Despite all this confusion, my interest in indigenous cultures continues. I studied Native American Anthropology in college and fell in love with lithology. Studying the various styles of arrowheads and the way they were formed is my favorite, and my professor was extremely impressed with my collection. She even allowed me to borrow her special collection of stone utensils for photography records. Prof. Bogdan was awesome like that!

This interest is slowly expanding. First, due to a book I was writing, I became intrigued with Australian Aborigines and their concept of Dreamtime. Then I fell in love with Tuvan throat-singing and began studying them and the Inuits, with their unique katajjaq.

Tuvan throat-singer

From there, I read about the Ainu people of Japan and their sadly lost musical art form known as rekuhkara. This technique was lost over thirty years ago. It's a case of a dominate society forcing a minority to "integrate" by forbidding their heritage. This is a common theme amongst many indigenous groups.

Ainu have lighter skin and wavy hair. Their thick beards are a sign of beauty,
so that women tattooed mustaches on their lips.

I'm also looking into indigenous groups of Europe. That gets to be a little harder, as tribes wandered all over and conquests occurred frequently. For instance, the British Isles were cleared of inhabitants by the Ice Ages, but after the glaciers pulled back, the first inhabitants to enter the land were of the Aurignacian culture (yes, I am a British history buff). Gaelic culture is also intriguing, especially since my grandmother was Irish. According to Wikipedia (I had to make sure I was right in this), the Britons are considered the indigenous group of southern Great Britain, and even they replaced others.

Conquests and dominance, that is the history of our world.

The Basques especially intrigue me ever since I read Shibumi (a novel which influenced much of my writing, even though I'm not into spy novels really). I've also found myself reading many articles on the Sami people of Scandinavia. It's ironic that these "white natives" are discriminated against even by other indigenous people... until you hear them sing a joik. Google it, it is so beautiful!!!

Sami family, circa 1900

I'm not sure what I'm rambling about now. I suppose my point in all this is to expose people to other indigenous cultures. Perhaps when you hear "native" you think Cherokee, Lakota, Apache, and Sioux. Many Americans do. They ignore the fact that most Mexicans come from Aztec and Mayans people, making them as "Native American" as the Gabrielino (the Natives of the area that is now Orange County, my hometown), and the Clackamas (the Natives of the area I now live in Oregon).

No matter where you go in the world, these old traditions have been persecuted, the dominant race eager to stamp them out or "integrate" them. Be it Aborigines, Tuvan, the Ainu, Basques, or the Sami, these ancient cultures are being threatened, and many are lost to us. This is a sad cycle, repeated over and over, one tribe defeating another, one race pushing out another, one country dominating another. In the struggle for power, the small are lost, but I hope they are not completely forgotten.

Star Trek (both a Non-Spoiler and a Spoiler review)

My husband and I went to see the new Star Trek movie last night. No, we did not go as Vulcans. Yes, we did wear a few things to make us geeks. He had on his communicator pin, I wore my Bajoran earring, sans the nose ridges, enough to still be "cool" (aka geeky) without getting raised eyebrows. Cosplaying really only works on opening night, anyway. We tried going in full regalia the day after opening night during "Insurrection" and only got crowds staring at us.

First, my non-spoiler review.

The movie itself was great, far exceeding my expectations. I went into this trying to avoid spoilers and reviews, hoping to formulate my own opinion, yet still unable to sidestep the fan complaints (mostly from Matt) about the design of the new (old) ship and the look of the bridge. So I really didn't know what to expect, but still had rather low expectations. The first few minutes were enough to make me go "wow, this is going to be awesome."

Every actor took these well-loved, well-established characters and did them justice, holding onto certain mannerisms while still doing their own take on the characters. It was enough for people who grew up with Star Trek to nod and smile, while newer audiences could come to love these characters without... any... odd speech... patterns. Yes, I was VERY relieved Chris Pine did not assume Shatner's unique way of speaking. He gave the part the pure essence of "Kirk" without imitation. I felt this was true for many of the characters.

The plot is not completely unique. Time travel has been far overused in the sci-fi genre, in my opinion. Some of the technical aspects are totally not canon. I'm not talking special effects. How they portray transporters is up to the SFX team. I'm talking transporting while at warp. I'm not that "into" such details, but Matt pointed out that even in TNG, they had to drop out of warp, then beam someone.

What made me shake my head were some of the more specific scenes. Let me put it in Star Wars terms. Let's say they made a Star Wars prequel (yes, I know, they did three, and they were mediocre). Only, in the prequel, they kill off Captain Antilles (a minor character who still affects the plot), they blow up Endor (massacring all those cute Ewoks before they have a chance to save the Rebels), and Padme falls for Mace Windu (you know, Samuel L Jackson's awesome character). Yeah, that about does the "what the hell" aspect of this movie justice without spoiling any details.

For an explanation of what I mean, read the spoilers below.


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SPOILER WARNING
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(The following contains spoilers from the Star Trek movie, including plot and character development)

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YOU HAVE BEEN DULY WARNED

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Is that enough of a warning? :P

Okay, within the first ten minutes, I was shaking my head going "Wait a minute there! Kirk's father didn't die like that... did he? Um...." So see, the average Star Trek enthusiast is probably not going to realize anything is wrong. Someone like Matt will be chomping at the bit already. And that's the first scene!!!

Things seem to get better. We meet young Kirk and Spock, find Uhura in a bar, meet McCoy, and are even graced by Captain Pike, all beautiful faces, all holding true to their characters while putting in their own take. We see Kirk in academy, but it quickly jumps back to where Star Trek belongs... in space! Our beloved characters (Chekov and Sulu included, still no Scotty) all meet together on the bridge of the Enterprise.

That's where the fun begins. Biggest spoiler yet... ready for it?... They blow up Vulcan!

That's right, the planet goes byebye. 6 billion Vulcans plus Spock's mother die in the destruction.

Okay, right there I'm going "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!" Even your casual TV watcher will know planet Vulcan is still around, and Vulcans are not suddenly made into an endangered species.

The next eyebrow raising moment comes minutes after the destruction.

Uhuru + Spock

That's right, take the sexy black girl in a mini skirt and the stoic half-Vulcan with the bowl cut, put them in a tumbolift, and have a make-out scene. Not only that, but in hindsight, they appear to have a relationship while at the academy... and Spock is totally whipped!!! Uhura puts on a little pouty "but I wanted to be on the Enterprise with you" act and Spock cows to her wishes despite the roster already being set, certainly breaking a few regulations while he's at it. Spock ends up with more smooch time than Kirk... now that's just WRONG! Watching Spock kiss anyone is enough to raise your Vulcan eyebrows. "Fascinating" hardly covers it.

Everything is explained nicely, though. See, the bad guy is from the future, and he's screwing up the past. He's the one who killed Kirk's father, destroyed Vulcan, and by the end of the movie, creates a massive black hole near Saturn (which may or may not have collapsed on itself, Matt and I are still arguing that). So see, it's all a parallel universe.

I was seriously expecting a Voyager-special (aka, big "reset button" at the end, fix the timeline and everything reverts to what we expect). In a way, I'm glad they didn't do that. It works for a one-hour weekly series (once or twice, not a dozen times, Voyager!) but if you pull that stunt in a big movie, there will be rioting in the aisles as audiences complain "why did I spend $9 on a movie when none of it really happened in the end?"

This leads to one of two scenarios.

1) This is really gonna go where no one has gone before as the franchise embraces this "alternative" Star Trek universe (bad idea for the fan base).

2) They'll fix the whole thing in the sequel. Which means a reset button for TWO movies.

I'm betting on #2. These guys aren't dumb. They've hook the new audiences with big names, big fight scenes, and SFX which audiences have come to expect (Trekkers might complain that it's too much, but anything less would have been a disappointment to moviegoers and critics). Now you need to reel the fan base back in with a sequel that promises to fix the timeline.

This means Spock will be faced with the emotional dilemma of fixing time and restoring his planet, but at the expense of losing Uhura, since Spock Prime will inform him that they were never meant to hook up (Did I mention young Spock meets old Spock? That's a whole other story, but it worked so no complaints here.) Kirk will of course want this route, since it means his father will not have been killed by Nero. Audiences will be torn between "I want my daddy" from Kirk and "but I love her" from Spock. Confrontation ensues, probably with more Kirk/Spock fistfights. Fans will want the timeline to right itself, yet pity Spock.

Sounds like another blockbuster in the making!

So that's my two cents.

Live long and prosper!

Old Email, Old Rant

I got this email today. I'm sure you've seen it a thousand times, so you can skip it if you want. I am not responsible for spelling error and grammatical debacles.




THOSE BORN 1920-1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's,
50's, 60's and 70's!!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or
drank while they were pregnant.



They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our
tummies in baby cribs
covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and
when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention,
the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats,
booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a
special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and
drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't
overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to rea ch us all day.And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and
then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no
video games at all, no 150 channels on cable,
no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chatrooms........

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the
worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games
with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would
happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those
who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law
was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas.


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the
luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government
regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with
scissors, doesn't it?!

---

Very true, but...

SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) was common due to sleeping on the stomach. Many children did not live past the age of 2. Mothers had 10 kids, but that's because 3 would die before reaching adulthood. Many drank Drano, swallow bottles of medication, or like my uncle, stuck knifes in light sockets because there was no such thing as child protection on these items. Some went out to play alone and were never seen again.

Those smoking mothers gave their children lung cancer.

Those kids who ate cupcakes and drank Kool-aid... those are the same people who now have severe cases of diabetes, right? And skin cancer from being outside all day.

My friends and I used to make mud pies... until one friend stepped on a muddy nail that went completely through her foot. She had to be rushed to the hospital for a tetanus shot and stitches. Her family did not sue mine, but she was not allowed to play with me anymore.

Our neighbor's kid received a BB gun, shot our cat in the head, my friends' pigeons, and nearly shot our neighbor's face.

I used to share my food and sodas with friends, until I caught scarlet fever and nearly died.

My friends and I used to build go-carts. Until one was hit by a car because he forgot brakes.

That was also the generation that started teen gangs, invented acid and crack, gave us the right to an abortion, and set the precedence to sue everyone we please. That was the generation that produced Charles Manson, Jeffery Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh (Oklahoma City bomber), Ted Kaczynski (Unibomber), David Koresh (Waco wakko), Lee Harvey Oswald, OJ Simpson, plus people like Norma McCorvey ("Roe" of Roe vs Wade), Stella Liebeck (the "hot coffee" sue-happy lady), and our corrupt politicians (too many to list).

Maybe our country is this way BECAUSE of those kids in the lead paint baby cribs.

Not that life wasn't simple back then. Laws these days make no sense. Little boys getting arrested of sexual harassment for kissing little girls on the cheek, or expelled for having old-fashion razor pencil sharpeners. My mom knows a neighbor who is 18, about to graduate, and cannot read nor even knows how to sign his own name. It's almost required for Pre-schoolers to have cellphones.

Still, this email makes me a little mad in presenting the idea of ignorance as better than general, sane precaution. Do you really want an alcoholic mother who doesn't care if her children die in the middle of the night or get cancer before they're 30, nor cares where their children go, who they visit, whether they break their arms, eat toxin-laced mud, or catches swine flu due to sharing sodas? The people of this "idealistic" generation should actually care enough to raise their own children instead of ignoring them and leaving the Playstation as a babysitter, too busy with work and their own selfishness to care what happens to their "pride and joy." Stop flaunting your own childhood and take a look at what you're presenting to your children. Gee, it's the exact same thing you're bitching about. "Children these days" aren't a consequence of technology and teachers. It's the fault of the PARENTS who could not care less because they're too busy sending email.

Okay, my little rant is over.