Sunday, March 27, 2011

I love being snarky

I woke up in a snarky mood. I was researching the top speed of the fastest human Usain Bolt, and of course I got distracted by animals. This led me to a site supposedly to teach kids, where it was stated that "the fastest animal on earth" was the cheetah. I was immediately alerted. "Nooo, don't teach our children ignorant things like this!" Fastest animal ON EARTH is so misleading.

Luckily, someone below gently corrected them... wrongly. Another poster made a claim for peregrine falcons. Another said some PBS show told him that ostriches were the fastest animals (seriously???) Another came in claiming sailfish were fastest, another said it was some insect (only because it could jump so fast given its small size) and some supposed cheetah trainer claimed gazelles were faster. It devolved into childish bickering between swift lovers, admirers of the peregrine falcon, and cheetah fans, as well as debates if "fastest animal on earth" meant on land on within the sphere of this planet. When two kids came in with "dude, I'm only 12 and I know the sailfish/gazelle/random-bird is slower" I just cracked up.

I felt it imperative to straighten all these idiots out before they went off teaching our children wrong things. And I was feeling snarky. I was also a little cranky at how stupid some people are. Maybe a hair bitter? Anyway, I posted this, then realized it was educational as well as insolent. And just maybe it'll stop the back-and-forth debate.

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I gotta say, I couldn't even read half these posts without groaning at the stupidity of mankind. Arguing "fastest animal on earth means on land, no it means in all the world, no it means that's ever existed, no it means..." Sheesh, the 12-year-olds sound smarter! You middle school kids who are putting these adults in their places deserve a lifetime of cookies. The rest of these genetic rejects deserve to be eaten by cheetahs.

First off, the fastest fish is the sailfish, as some people above said, but it's only 68 mph, so it's slower than the cheetah. Saying "well it's got water resistance so that means on land it'd be faster than the cheetah" is as ignorant as saying if you tossed a cheetah out a plane, it'd be faster. Hell, if you want to talk about unnatural environments, just put me in the cockpit of an X-15.

Secondly, that pesky peregrine falcon seems to have caused a lot of confusion for the ignoramuses of the world. This lovely bird has been clocked in freefall at 260 mph, making some people claim it is "fastest." Properly, others have pointed out that this is its speed while in a dive. The peregrine falcon that was clocked at that speed was also thrown out a plane at 30,000 feet so it could be high enough to reach terminal velocity. That's cheating in my book.

Contrary to what others have posted, humans do not also freefall at this speed. There's a thing called AIR RESISTANCE which slows us down. Only in a vacuum do all things fall equally. Go back to high school. Or try copying the homework of one of the smart 12-year-olds.

As impressive as our bird-sans-parachute is, animal speed records are taken by HORIZONTAL movement (be it flight or running), because otherwise, let me run down the face of Grand Trango and I'll beat the pants off Usain Bolt.

In horizontal movement, the cheetah beats all other land animals at claims (not proven) of 75 mph, and a record made by the cheetah Sarah of 70 mph. In horizontal flight, the spine-tailed swift is the fastest bird at 106 mph. The peregrine falcon doesn't even land in the top ten for its horizontal speed. It falls fast, that's all. It's not the "fastest" by how experts measure animal speeds. Otherwise, go test your speed at terminal velocity until you surpass 260 mph. But remember, parachutes mess up air resistance. Don't wear one. Darwin will cheer you on.

If you want to argue that the peregrine falcon is the fastest animal in the world, first ask the folks over at Guinness to change their rules. Offer them cookies. If they're as naive as some of the people who posted here, they'll fall for it.